Neurotic by Nature - Mostly True Stories from the life of Mandi: On Cheating

On Cheating

So some things have come up recently that involve cheating. It got me to thinking, which in turn got me to blogging. Now, I will preface this with that, to the best of my knowledge, I have never been cheated on. That being said, it’s not like I’ve never worried about it, or had a lack of trust in a relationship. I do, however, recognize that I may not fully understand the pain of someone who has been cheated on.

What exactly is cheating? I think the definition is slightly different for everyone. While most people would agree that fucking someone else when you are in a relationship would qualify as cheating it’s not always as cut and dried as that.

Physical cheating – sleeping with someone else….what about making out or kissing? Does it matter who initiated things? Does it matter at what point the broke off? What about alcohol involvement? Do we make allowances for that? I know some girls who get upset if their boyfriend even looks at another girl. Does mental cheating count?

Emotional cheating – I think this is what is truly more threatening to most people. When you grow close to someone other than your partner, or when you start sharing the intimate emotions that are supposed to be reserved for that relationship. I think the reason is we can always try to rationalize physical urges, and most people understand the concept of a one night stand that meant nothing. Emotional cheating is saying that YOU aren’t enough emotionally for the cheater. It devalues us as an individual.

So, how do we decide where to draw the line?

Personally, I think each person needs to really think about what they would be ok with. If you don’t know your own boundaries, then if something does happen you may waffle and end up in a worse situation. Only you can decide what is right for you. I know very few people who can honestly have an “Open” relationship. But those people do exist. The key is honesty. Honesty with each other, but more importantly, with yourself. If you aren’t honest with yourself, then you can never be honest with your partner.

Recognize that your boundaries are ok. If you think that X, Y or Z constitutes cheating and your partner doesn’t, that doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong, it means that you are wrong for each other. Don’t force yourself to try and accept something that you aren’t comfortable with, or try and force them to bend to your way of thinking. I guarantee that won’t work in the long run.

Have a dialogue about what’s ok and what’s not. If I don’t know what you consider crossing the line, how do I know when I’ve crossed it? Is it fair to punish someone if they didn’t know that what they were doing was wrong? Of course, most people know that sleeping with someone else while in a committed, closed relationship is wrong, but you shouldn’t assume.

Once cheating has occurred what do you do?

Again, there s no easy answer to this question. It can depend on the relationship, the level of trust that was broken and many other factors. However, I think there are some basic questions you can ask yourself to help you decide what to do and how to move forward.

Did this completely break our trust?
Is it likely to happen again?
Are we dealing with a difference in values?
Does the other party feel like what they did was wrong?
Do they understand that they hurt me?
Can I forgive them? Can I let this go?
Do I feel the need to retaliate?
Do they have a history of cheating? A pattern of behavior. I would also look for addictive, risk taking or chaotic behavioral trends.
What am I getting out of the relationship excluding the cheating?
Do I see a future with this person?

This is just a basic list to jump start the thought process. However, if you don’t look at several angles, you won’t come to a rational conclusion.

Don’t stick with a relationship because you are scared to be alone. Don’t feel like you don’t deserve better. Don’t think something is wrong with you. Don’t say you’ve forgiven them and then stew in resentment.

I know I’ll write more on this later, but that’s my thoughts for today – reader’s I would LOVE some feedback from you, please comment!